It's not your fault. You live in a beautiful city that always surprises me on arrival with just how tall and striking the architecture is, just how numerous the events listings filling the local free papers, how culturally rich the many and varied music scenes. Your people are proud, hardworking and noble, and your boozes are many and varied.
It's just that Glasgow is a very long sodding way from my house.
I choose not to take my debut tour show to your international comedy festival last year, and received numerous emails about it.
"Another London comedian who thinks Britain ends at the M25!" you emailed, thinking London ends at Birmingham.
"Why don't you try coming north of the border?" you wailed, ignoring the 26 performances I'd just done at the Edinburgh festival.
"We're not the same as Edinburgh!" you shouted at me, entirely justifiably.
"We don't care that you've literally just two months ago had a baby, and want to be able to get back and see him every night!" screeched another of your emails that I made up.
"Look you've got to be on at least a 90% box office split," you continued, loudly and wrongly. "And your producer can't be taking more than 1%, and I bet those posters and flyers are not only free but they're delivered to the venue free!"
"You're guaranteed a full house, right?" you screamed, "So just teleport here, somehow creating and utilising that new technology, for free, and then go to your next touring destination using presumably the same method!" .
"You've got one friend in Glasgow who's prepared to let you sleep on her sofa!" You caterwauled.
"OK, she's technically your fiancee's friend, but you've stolen her because she's good at drinking," you hallooed. "The cost of taking her out for an appreciative thanks-for-letting-me-stay drink won't even TOUCH what you could have spent on an Airbnb!"
And at that point I broke.
Glasgow; I'm yours. So please come and sell out my tour show, in order that I almost break even.
Stuart will be performing 'Compared to What' at The Stand Comedy Club on Monday 13th March. Get your tickets here!